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Post date: Apr 22, 2011 8:29:51 PM
The following post was originally shared by me on April 14, 2006. The beginning portion of the post was hard for me to read, to relive these moments. To relive the pain. But then, you get to the Easter portion of the post, and I get to relive the relief. I get to feel again my burden’s be lifted. Natalie needed no medical intervention for those issues I discussed on that date and believe it or not, I still have my sanity. I know that probably sounds crazy to the non-believer, but my faith in my Lord has gotten me thus far, so who am I to turn away now?
Comfort and angst all wrapped up in one little sound...
Outside of the room at Kohl’s house where I recovered after transplant was a wind chime.
It sounded exactly like the one on the main page, the first page you come to, at my new favorite place http://www.liverfamilies.net (Liver Families)
(Note – as of 4/22/2011 this sound is no longer here)
I am listening to it as I type this and feeling all sorts of tummy turmoil. All sorts of emotions came back with that sound.
We’re still not sure what the future holds for little Miss Natalie and can I just vent and share how stinking frustrating it is getting? In the journal from Friday March 10, 2006 I mentioned the three options that Dr. Superina gave us. As a reminder: 1. Surgery to correct the narrowing, “if” the problem is actually with the connection between the duct and the intestine. 2. Leave the tube in for another 6 months. 3. Retransplant
How long do we have to wait until we completely lose all remnants of sanity?
And might I add just how unfair all of this is to my poor kid? No one’s morning should go like this: Thursday morning I was late for work, why, bile was pooled up in the dressing for Natalie’s PTC drain. I’d just changed the dressing 2 days prior. Bile is very caustic - it BURNS the skin. Her poor tummy is raw. She says to me, “Nannie tube icky, mommy. Take it out.”
No child should have to go through this or any other pain. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that there are others in worse shape than us. But for today, darn it, this is a pity party for one and I’m invited. I’ve had other moments like this one on this site, in past journals, and you can either read it or skip it - well I guess it would have helped you skip it if I would have told you earlier that I’d be ranting and raving like a crazy person.
Easter...
This all ties in, I swear.
I recently just finished the last of 6 weeks of a class called “Why Catholic?” Well because I am Catholic, and it was a 6 week study into not only the Bible, but also of my faith. It’s a 4 year study. Each year studying for 2, 6 week, terms, if you will. Anyway, this week we talked about how Jesus was human and had the same fears and feelings that we do and it was like a light bulb went off.
A sudden "A Ha!” moment. Jesus was under severe pressure in the Garden of Gethsemane, asking for a release of his duty: “if possible, let this cup pass... yet not my will, but Thine be done.” Matthew 26:36-44
He knew what He had to do. He knew that it was God’s will. He knew that it wasn’t going to be painless, yet He knew that is had to be done, our souls were depending on it. And He wanted to save us because He loved us. Amazing.
How does this relate to me?
1. I didn’t want to undergo surgery, but I had to in order to save Natalie. I was afraid of death.
2. I don’t want Natalie to have to have to suffer with this darned tube, but it’s keeping her alive or at least healthy and delaying worse things.
Jesus had his doubts too, but he knew what he had to do, face death in order to save all of us. And I guess that there are some things in life that none of us wants to do, but we have to. I need to take a lesson from the Big Guy up in Heaven. I get so wrapped up in my own pity that I forget.
And so with that, the last sentence I typed, all tummy turmoil is gone.
Oh, and if you read the Wall Street Journal today, Kristin Chenoweth became a new hero to me - http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2011/04/21/in-world-of-make-believe-i-still-believe-in-easter/?blog_id=120&post_id=64778&mod=igoogle_wsj_gadgv1
Bless you Kristin:
The people in my working environment usually understand when I want to celebrate a holiday and I have to miss work. But sometimes, I think it’s the actual reason they don’t fully understand and sometimes I see an eye roll. But I don’t judge anyone else for their faith, whether it be Buddhist, Jewish, Agnostic or others. I just appreciate getting the same respect.
I don’t judge those who don’t believe. After all, we’ve been told our whole lives (or actually, for me, when I moved to New York from Oklahoma) that scientists can now prove we come from apes…or fish…or a spark…all of that could be true. Maybe I didn’t come from Adam’s rib… but then who made the ape, the fish or the spark?
Again, it’s my choice to believe there is something way greater than me. That there is a Lord above who loves us all, even if we choose not to believe in Him.
Now the holiday of Easter comes up. Easter bunnies are way easier to accept than a man who died for our sins, and then rose again three days later with messages of love, forgiveness, and eternal life.
By all means, let’s decorate eggs, hide them, then celebrate with chocolate candy with a gooey middle.
As much as I love Cadbury eggs, they are not the reason Christians celebrate Easter.
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